Wounded

We self inflict pain on ourselves because people have hurt us. All different thoughts goes on in our head; that it was out fault, we are not worthy, we are worthless. However we need to take accept our own wrong doings as well. Our emotions are not just what others have done to us; it is also combined with what we have done to others. Lets be realistic we are no angles. We have done others wrong as well. So to have a clear continue to clear our heart from our wounds we need to accept what we have done to others and forgive who has wronged us.

When I say wound others I don’t mean murder, rape. It could mean a lie, a gossip, a wrong word, malicious gesture it could the most dumb thing you have done but your actions did someone else.

The process is to heal our wounds. The pain which others have infected on us and the pain which we have conflicted unto others. I guess forgiveness is the word, but people are scared of the word “forgive”, because they think they are done something major but honestly no. People can et hurt by just hearing a wrong word. This is about acknowledging that somehow or something was done that you hurt someones feeling.

If we change our thoughts of what the forgive means that we don’t feel the burden of forgiving. We feel we loose pride if we forgive, but I feel you are a bigger person, a better person to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

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If we don’t move forward, than woe are like a parked car that won’t move forward. You can not do that to your self. You need to start the engine and move ahead and that is what allowing other peoples wrong doing to pass over us and also asking for the wrong doings we have done to others. It is no fun sitting in a car parked on the side while watching others drive by to better place. So don’t be a parked car; take over the wheel and drive on to beautiful things to come…….

Self-acceptance…

I think it gets difficult for us to move forward from any wrong doings to us, because we do feel responsible. I was not responsible when I was molested. So why should I duel on it. No I am not going to forget what happened to me, but I am willing not to allow it to get to me anymore. I need to learn from my past experience and I need to put that in a good use towards empathy.

Life is too short, if we are not able to pass through the guilt; a guilt which was not of our doing than we can not get healed; which results in our mental and emotioal struggle. I know for a fact that God has better intention for me. Yes we do get angry that why He allowed this to happen, but it has; He had a plan for me, and the plan is maybe for me to reach out to other women and say “IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT OR DOING”.

Dueling on negativity does not help us to grow our life, mind or soul. Isn’t it better to forgive and move forward or is it better to not forgive and be stuck in the pit of misery. You know what I am battling my anxiety and depression and I hate the hold it has on me. I CHOOSE TO FORGIVE, so I can be released from this hate and misery shackles.

Yes we do leave in a free world but it is amazing how misery doesn’t make you feel free BUT imprisoned. I can only talk from my experience and how I feel inside. It is not easy to be molested or have a abusive husband, but if I can accept the word of God than I am wasting from inside.

I CHOOSE TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE, ABUNDANCE AND JOYFUL LIFE

I choose to be happy. I choose to have control over me and not allow emotions to control me. Emotions are beautiful it allows us to feel but watch out when it strikes you and tries to brake you down and take you into the pit. Only you can stop this. We are not weak, we are strong and we are fighters who can defeat the bad with love and goodness. It might sound stupid to people when I say this, but you know what, what is there to loose, NOTHING!

Pretend;

I am absolutely tired and exhausted of pretending the I am OKAY the I’m not. Why do we have to hide behind a smile to make others happy. Why do we need to hide behind vail to show we are not hurting. When despite of everything you are going through; pain, sorrow, anxiety, depression, withdrawal, now lets on the pile of issues that you need to PRETEND you are happy for other peoples sake.

Why is it for others to judge us for what we are going through and how we feel. Are they scared that if they acknowledge our pain that their pain will be revealed. This has been always sitting heavy on me. Why can’t we respect one another to allow the other to be open with their feelings and with their thoughts. Why can’t we allow each other to be themselves. If we truly love the other person (they might be relative, best friend, spouse, child, friend) why won’t we accept their blemishes as well.

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to be left alone.

Even that I know for my self healing I need to be true to myself and be true to how I feel; I still allow the society to dictate my feelings, even though I know that is an obstacle for my well being and road to recovery. I know I am not a drug addict, I know I am not alcoholic, I know most of you say hey she has anxiety and depression, why can’t she just move forward. I am trying but thoughts and peoples comments has a hold on me that I can shake of to be released.

I need to be stronger, I need to try to avoid people who under no circumstance can help and achieve my goal; which is to be healed and allow my old me to shine through.

I know life is too short; and there are far more people out their with their problems. But everyones problem is a boulder for them, and my anxiety and depression is my boulder. I need to learn to be a miss Hercules. I need to be like Samson(Samson and Delilah) and grow my hair for strength so I can lift the big boulder off my shoulder and throw it aside for once and for all. But hair does not grow over night, so I need to be patient and it does. And meantime I need to somehow find to lock out other voices and critisims.

BLESS YOU ALL WHO ARE ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY

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Its ironic how after I finished polishing this writing and started reading once Myers book called “Healing the Soul of the Woman”, Chapter 9; it is about to put a stop to pretending. WOW the power of God

Therapy #9…

WOW I have been to 9 sessions of therapy so far, and this session was like the first one. Tears and nothing else. Sometimes I feel ashamed when I cry, I feel this poor therapist is sitting here every week listening to me for an hour and as a curtsy to her I should have improved, but instead I cry. I feel I am back to square one.

Today was an emotional therapy, back and forth with what we have gone through for 9 sessions; and the only question I have for Susan is “when will I be healed?”. I mean am I fixable, will I ever get repaired, will I ever be whole again. That is the big question; WILL I?

So much emotions today, so much back and forth, so much anxiety and pain; were do I begin, what do I repair…to repair is to be fixed…therapist tells me I will be healed but I need to recover and that takes time, as I have endured so much, I need to brake the chains slowly and get repaired.

It is not easy to stop the tears rolling down my cheeks. I try to be strong and I look away from Susan as I feel ashamed of my tears…this woman has been sitting opposite me for the last 9 sessions and listening to my issues, sorrows for an hour each time and I am at square one; will I ever be able to move forward and feel the sweet wind of happiness rather than fear.

When you are broken it is not easy to be fixed. You need to deal with your demons before you can move forward. they say time heals, but I say erasing the past is what heals. For me to be on the road t recover, I am a fixer yet I have no idea how to fix myself. The stress I put myself to be whole again but it seems like the more goals I set for myself the further back I go….the therapy was tearful and no more.

Susan is so kind and hopeful and very optimistic. Will I ever be me again. Will I ever smile because I am not putting on a kind gesture…

“WILL I EVER BE ME AGAIN ? WILL I EVER GET HEALED”

My dream is to be me again, the happy, go lucky and full of life once again.

Inner Voices

My inner voices chit chat not aware that I am listening to them. Contemplating on what character to go for and confuse me. My heart and my head know that I need to brake free from the voices that whisper negativity in me, but my heart knows that I need to stop their whispers and change it to sweet honey.

I don’t know how to change. I know positivity helps, but it is so hard to tune to it. The slight molecule of wrong words sets the negativity running in my head. I try to put a leash on it and try to put it under control, but I can’t. It is easier said than done to be working towards good.

Why is it people never realize that the way they talk and the way they take over your thoughts and needs is not going to help. They need to no to step back. I am not an invalid, I can make the decisions, I don’t need someone to make it for me.

Why can’t I have control, why do they think it is better for them to take control of me, they think it will help me, or it will ease the pressure. but they don’t know that it just does the opposite to my senses. The anger inside which has to shut-up because out of respect it can not answer yet it wants to scream out to be left alone.

How do you let the people who care for you, and want you better, how do you tell them BACK OFF!!!! LET ME BE!!!!

Why is it that everyone around me wants to make the decision for me, what to eat, what to do, where to go, why?? What gives them the right to think they have power over me to make decisions for me. I am not insane, or crazy that I need people to make my decisions.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT IN-ORDER TO HEAL; I want to be left alone, I want to deal with my demons alone, I want to be in-tune with my God, I want to make decisions for myself, I want to be able to do what I want when I want. I might have anxiety and depression BUT I am not cray or insane…………………

Fall off the wagon…

I hate this feeling, I hate it. I am trying to keep positive and have a different outlook unto life, but it seems like I am at the bottom of the spiral stairs and I’m frozen. I know I have to put one foot forward the other and just walk up the stairs to reach the light but a belt is pulling me back.

Why are people dumb? If it is only me than I am able to disconnect from everything around me and get my well being on the track and work on my recovery, but people around me are either stupid or it seems like they are out there to make sure I fall of the wagon. In England we have a saying “fuck me and get it over with”…I mean people common sense.

I hate drama and I absolutely hate sarcasm. Both of this actions are absolutely unnecessary and I hate that people use the excuse. People say what ever they want to say without thinking twice before they speak. Words hurt, and once spoken it can not be taken back. Sarcasm is not needed, if you have something to say SAY IT!!!

Out of boredom they want sympathy, love, care, attention, argue..I mean people and loved ones get your shit together and try an fix it. for example my mother-in-law today, she goes, “I can’t eat ground beef anymore, it doesn’t agree with me”. I mean am I the dumb now or I can’t understand sense behind that saying…your get the butcher to grind the meat for you, the same meat that you eat and you are ok, so why is it the ground version doesn’t agree with you…and he smallest thing as that take me and keeps me and the bottom of he spiral pit.

Life is short. And yes I a person with anxiety and depression is saying it. If with my symptoms I can say “life is too short”, why can’t people see that their petty words are stupid and does not make sense…..yes I know I need to stay calm, but I don’t want to get ganged on with negative words when I walk through the door. I want space, I want peace, I want me time, I want peace and I want people who make sense….

Despite all these frustration, as soon as I publish this blog I shall begin to meditate in my positive books and in the word of God to help me out of this funk. Thank you for listening to my venting, and allowing me to put my frustration out there so I can destress and bring myself aligned to positive thoughts..

BLESS YOU ALL XOXOXOXOXO

Change of mind..

Okay this is the second day of my selfceare. Yesterday I wrote to myself in my head that I want to stop my pain and it went well, I got tiny derailed but got on the track again..I never said I am perfect, I am work in progress…

The day went well, it consisted of positive thoughts, positive reading, and trying to retune my thoughts and smile more, so far it has gone well…I don’t know what the day will hold for me TODAY, and I am trying not to stress over it as I am a control freak. I’m trying to reprogram my thoughts that I need to heal and not ask too much of myself; I know my strength and weaknesses and I can not push one or the other more than it’s limits, as this brakes me down. I need to do one step at a time and try to repair ME.

I have always worked, so if I am not working I feel lazy and a looser, but this is what my thought was from therapy, ( I love therapy now LOL, I speak to Susan than I came to realization). I guess this is my RESET button. What I mean is prior to giving the business back I had such a bad hyperventilation (which for the first time put my husband into a panic mode). Maybe I am trying to put thought into each action so I feel better I don’t know, all I know is if I had not given the store back I am sure the next hyperventilation would have given me a heart attack. I call it God you might call is universe, I don’t know, up to you to analyze how you want, but I know in my heart that the positive karma was guiding me to rest and restart my energy, health and life again.

For the last 8 years I have been working non-stop…didn’t have time to think and rest, this was my ESC button to realign me in life

Whatever you want to call it, this way of thinking allows me to re-evaluate my life, to put it into perspective and re-tune myself with my inner spirit and repair my soul so I can make the right decisions for the future….

LOL LETS SEE HOW MY DAY GOES…WILL GIVE YOU AN UPDATE ….

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